The Wage of Addiction is Death.

"If I hear one more Amy Winehouse song, I think I'm going to vomit.  How can a woman so talented, who has everything at her finger tips, spit on rehabilitation and continue to destroy herself?"

Those were my words last Friday night.  Saturday, Amy Winehouse died.

Wow....  If the words we speak could kill, I probably should have died right along side her.  Yes, me, the recovering alcoholic and addict.  I have spent the last 3 days mulling it over in my head.  I have been everything from shocked, to judgmental, to even jealous.  Mostly I have erred on the side of judgment---a dangerous place to be sitting for someone like me.

In speaking with some ladies who have walked along side me through recovery, I have been reminded of this disgusting disease we fight.  It wants to get us alone.  It wants to get us in handcuffs and it wants to convince us that we are different.  We have to remember to hate the disease and love the person.

I did not know Amy Winehouse, but the pictures I see of her are an outward representation of what I once felt inside.  Pain has many forms.  We all have it.  Unfortunately, some of us find physical ways to keep it at bay or lessen the effects of our pain.  Before we know it, we are in the throws of addiction.  Be it alcohol, drugs, sex, perfectionism, workaholism, or anger, they all cover up our pain and our fears.

But the wage of addiction is Death.  It causes death of relationships, our self-worth, our morals, our happiness, our very souls, and eventually it puts us in the ground.  I hate this disease.  I hate what it did to Amy's heart and mind.  I hate what it does to the people that I love.  We all need to be better educated on the effects of addiction.  Most importantly we need to remember that some of us are sicker than others and that everyone we meet is fighting some kind of battle.  We need to open up, to love more and share more.  We are all meant for connection, and I can't help but wonder what life would be like if we could see how much alike we are--- how we all carry pain and fear--- instead of judging one another.

Too many of us feel "different" or "alone".  We stand on the social ladder and compare ourselves.  If we are at the bottom looking up, we feel small and insignificant and put people above us.  If we are standing at the top looking down, we will always be in fear of loosing it all and becoming small and insignificant.

Well, I've got news for you... Emotionally, we are all standing in the middle of the same ladder.  It is my hope that somewhere in the future, the human race will be strong enough to fight the pain and fear that we all feel without turning to the very substances that want us dead.  It is just as important to refrain from judging others based on something we just don't understand.

Rest in Peace, Amy Winehouse.  I hope you find the peace you were looking for and I'm sad it was so far from your grasp while you were here.

It is my job to practice more love and tolerance.  And it is my job to continue to fight this disease with everything I've got.  Lives are on the line.  And they are too precious to lose.